i miss you  / Christie Hignutt
austin i miss you so much. not a day goes by that i don't think about you. I see your picture every day on my wall and just remember when we were kids and how simple things were. when we would all ride bikes and walk around the neighborhood. I wish things were still like that. i know things are simple where you are & im glad your in a better place now.  I've been meaning to go see your mom and show her my tattoo but i havent made it down there yet. i promise ill go soon though. I love and miss you. Close

still frames in your mind  / Danielle Lewis

i met a boy... his name is zack.  he has red hair...  he's gone already.  everyone leaves fast now.  but the first night we hung out, we were getting back in the 4runner and i looked acrossed the windshield at him... and i saw you.  completely.  it was horrifying... it was so real.  everyone says its not that weird and should be expected... but i don't know its scary.  i'm so affraid that when i lost you, i lost my forever... my happily ever after.  you know how everything reminds everyone of something?  some way... it all goes back to you... the little things and the big things... it wasn't even so much the red hair... because you had red hair, firey orange red hair... zack's isn't like that... but what i think it was mostly, as silly as it may be, was the scruffy red hair on his face... the stupid tight jeans... the shirt that would fit me... the 'i oun't give a fuck' attitude...

see also: austin
see also: first love
see also: fifth grade
see also: switching with mrs. rosses class
see also: washington dc
see also: heart shaped picture
see also: a bus ride, some field trip
see also: middle school, way different classes
see also: you, gone... arms
see also: 9th grade orientation
see also: boy who held door open for me
see also: boy who sat beside me on the bus
see also: skate shoes, dickies, studded belt
see also: skaterman2002?
see also: boyfriend
see also: drums
see also: blink 182, box car racer
see also: pennsylvania, trip 1
see also: 8 hour car ride
see also: 'atleast now we're sleeping together'
see also: manicure
see also: quaker steak n lube... the original
see also: final destination
see also: falling asleep in the recliner
see also: making fun of my pimple!
see also: 'no wait, i change my mind'
see also: staying up all night
see also: sleeping all day
see also: picking blueberries
see also: 8 hour car ride
see also: uncle chris running out of gas
see also: back to school
see also: that football game
see also: trei
see also: my mistake, my 'revenge'
see also: simple plan, 'perfect'
see also: me, forgotten
see also: spring 9th grade
see also: driving without a lisence
see also: sneaking IN
see also: black and mild
see also: that shirt, blue and yellow stripes
see also: story of the year
see also: you remember
see also: gone, unheard from
see also: justin melvin
see also: hospital
see also: drugs
see also: disappeared
see also: spring 10th grade
see also: 'i think i'm going to pierce my tounge'
see also: 'that's a terrible idea'
see also: boyfriend
see also: voicemails at school
see also: guitar
see also: happy
see also: green day
see also: blue plaid bedspread
see also: summer
see also: the lake
see also: wakeboarding
see also: IMPOSSIBLE backflip
see also: camping
see also: pennsylvania trip 2
see also: dirt bikes
see also: allegany
see also: car/plane museum
see also: being in your arms
see also: spending every day together
see also: working together
see also: bad idea
see also: peanut butter and jelly
see also: warped tour
see also: worst day ever
see also: carowinds
see also: RAIN CHECK!?
see also: jay
see also: the tahoe
see also: i85
see also: august 24, 2005
see also: 'until the day i die, i'll spill my heart for you'

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let me know that my one bad day will end'  / Danielle Lewis
i'm still waiting for the day i wake up and everything's right... ya know... like the past two and a half years could be just a dream... or even longer... i don't even care what part of life i go back to... i don't care if its the fifth grade and we're in washington ALWAYS losing kayla... i don't care if its the ninth grade and we're talking on the phone for hours about the absurd ways we think or i'm listening to you play the drums... or the end of the tenth grade and you've just called me for the first time in MONTHS to tell me that you think you're going to pierce your own tounge... or that summer... i will never, ever for as long as i'm here, no matter how short that may turn out to be, forget that summer.  i've turned into such a mess... a mere shell of the girl i used to be... you probably wouldn't even recognize me if you were here to see me.  all i want in the world right now are all those things i used to tell to stop talking about... there is nothing i want more than you here with me right now... here in chapel hill... i so badly need you... i need to here your voice... i need to know atleast you're there... and aside from all that... i need you to do things with... i never realized how much we really had in common until right now... i'm always searching for someone who has even one or two things in common with me... i want you back... i want to snowboard, and wakeboard, and camp... even if at times you were a whiny bitch!... i wanna ride dirtbikes, and go to shows... and amusment parks... you know, i haven't actually been to an amusment park since that day me, you, and jay went to carowinds and couldn't ride ANYTHING because of the weather...  in the days after the accident... everyone just kept telling me you weren't the end, i would love again... and i have tried... it took a year or so... but i have... its mostly been futile however... since the accident i've been living with the idea that true love doesn't exist... but now, i think i just hope doesn't... because i know... or i think that i have already lost mine... and nothing can bring him back... and nothing can ever compare... sometimes i hate you for leaving me... but mostly i hate everyone else for what they did or didn't do... do you think it will ever be ok... i mean really ok?  i think its always going to hurt so bad and what scares me the most is now, i'm afriad i'm going to live... Close

Dear Angie,  / Taylor Harwell

Angie..My name is Taylor Harwell & you came and spoke to my Drivers Ed class this past week. I just wanted to let you know that your story touched my heart. You have changed the way I look at being in a car. I'm very sorry for the loss of your son. I know Its hard to make your speaches about it..but just know that You Are Making A Difference.

-Taylor Harwell.

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i am so sorry for the loss of your son...  / Rhonda Gregory (just passing through )
i was visiting my daughters memory-of site (amanda cox) and started looking around... reminding myself that i am not the only one that feels such pain, that misses their child so much. maybe your sweet son and other angelic musicians are playing a tune that my sweet amanda is singing along with. we miss them so much... with them gone from our sight... even though we know we will see them again some day. the heartache i feel will be healed some day, the empty hole left by my girl being gone will be filled again, the feeling of being lost and thinking "i should be doing something..." only to realize that it's because there isn't anything to do with amanda anymore will fade away into a distant memory. right now their cares are over, their pain is non-existant, their worries gone... they are forever safe, joyful and well... waiting for us to join them. my prayers are with you and your family, that you would feel a peace of mind, body, soul and spirit... that though you miss him deeply, you will feel such a strong connection between your heavenly son that it brings a new joy to your heart. 

rhonda

ps, i feel like i just rambled on and on, i really hadn't meant to write so much... and was tempted to reread it and either edit it or delete it and not send it... but i resisted the urge. maybe something i have said is something you needed to hear or something that would mean something to you. even if it's just that we are both moms who have loved and lost a child and continue to love them always. Close

Time grabs you by the wrist  / Danielle Lewis
Its been two years now... two long, painful, unbearable years... and still, to this day I will NEVER forget even one moment of that horrid morning that forever changed my life.  Not the orange skirt I was wearing... not walking into the kitchen and hearing mom saying on the phone with tears in her eyes "what about Jay, is Jay ok?!"... not trying to call Jarrod because I thought he was the only friend I had that would have felt just as I did... not screaming at mom "why are lying to me... why would you say that"... and certainly, not lying on the couch hysterically crying myself to sleep... looking back I think that was all my body could do after I collapsed to the floor and could hardly catch my breath from all of the tears.  The rest of the day... and the days that followed, however are merely a blur... all I can remember is fighting so hard to make it to the next, never knowing that is what I would be doing for, quite possibly, the rest of my life.  Just a week ago I was packing my clothes up to take to college, and as I pulled my shirts off the rack I came across the shirts I wore to the viewing and funeral... it tore me apart... it was almost like hearing again, for the first time, "Austin and Jay were in a car accident... Austin didn't make it".  Each time I look at the picture of me and you from the baby shower I think two things, how could this world be so cruel and unfair to take you from all of us... and who is that girl standing next to you... I don't recognize myself at all... Every morning I wake up and wonder how I made it through another day... sometimes I hope to make it through one more... a lot of times I hope I won't.  God.  I would give my whole world... my life... just to have one chance to look into your eyes and tell you I'm sorry and I will always love you, no matter how far from me you are.  Every so often I still catch myself thinking... wondering... what 'could' have been... what 'would' have been... what 'should' have been... and then, like now... I find my mind lost in the past... and the imagined future...

I love you so much... and always will... I just didn't realize how much until it was too late...  "you're my best friend, and I love you" Close

If I close my eyes....  / Ambe Lewis
It seems like only yesterday that we were practically living at the lake.  If I close my eyes I can see and hear you asking "Are you sure it's ok if I go one more time", you sure loved that wakeboard.  I just remember sitting in the boat and thinking, what am I going to tell Angie when I have to call her to tell her you broke you neck trying to do a back flip on the wakeboard.  Thank goodness I never had to make that call and I don't know how but you managed to pull off that flip from the back of our little ski boat WITHOUT A TOWER but you did it!  That summer will forever remain in my heart.  It's funny how certain day to day things bring memories of you sharply into focus and stop my day as I think about you- we refer to them as  "Austin moments" and I am grateful for each and every one of them.
You are sorely missed at the Lewis house by all four of us! Close

You continue to touch so many....  / Mama (Mother)

My dear sweet Austin,
I continue to be touched by the impact you made and continue to make on so many people.   While you were here with us you didn't get just how darn special you were...I guess you know now.   You are so loved by so many people and you continue to live in our lifes in so many ways.   I always told you that you had a special purpose in this life....you were given to us so that we could experience your smile, your heart and the lessons your death has taught us so far about life.  I know that you are looking down upon us with that bashful little smile and that twinkle in your eye....oh how I miss that so very much.   Send us all some Angel hugs today.....we sure do need them!!! I love you sweetie.  

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As we go on, we remember...  / Danielle Lewis
We graduated last Thursday darling... and ALL I could think about as they called your brother's name, was you... remember how many fights we got into over... "well, what are WE going to do when YOU go to Chapel Hill or wherever!?"  I am going to Chapel Hill... and I would give most anything for even just ONE more of those stupid arguements with you... OHH and how about the time we were going to offer your mom good grades in exchange for piercings and tattoos?!?!  hahahah  THAT, my love, was GENIOUS!  1 A = 1 piercing... and the first one was SO gonna be your lip!!!  I'm telling you, it TOTALLY would have worked!

Our senior song was Good Riddance, it couldn't have been more perfect... that is, my ALL TIME favorite song... and is probably the only song, other than Perfect, that makes me think about you EVERY time I hear it... whether its on this site, in my car, on MTV/Fuse, or ANY time my phone rings... in the end, I'm just never certain which one of us loved it more...

Ya know... I'm not sure if its gradution that upset me... I mean, in all honesty baby, would you have made it?  I mean, we ALL know you COULD have done it... but WOULD you have?  I think what gets me the most is that school has ended, and summer has begun... and again I am faced with the challenge of making it through another summer without you in my life every day... we went out on the lake today... no wake boarding... just tubing... and I know, I know... "tubing is lame"... but hey!  To this day, I STILL remember your face that time you went when we were camping... and I am PRETTY SURE if anything you were scared SHITLESS!!!  teehe

Like always, I miss you more than words can express darling... and so does mom and dad... they miss that summer almost as much as I do... I WILL LOVE YOU ALWAYS!

ps. (and I have NO idea why I just thought of this) ALIEN!!!  hahahaha ALIEN HEAD!!!  <3 <3 <3 Close

My Angel Graduate  / Mama (Mother)
My Angel Graduate

There will be no cap and gown, or stage to cross
Or after graduation parties,
Rather, you are wearing a beautiful robe, and walking streets of gold.
A glorious celebration I’m sure you’re having.

There are no future plans to make,
Or enrollment for schools,
But time almost stands still for you,
And your teachers are the best scholars ever to walk this earth.

There is no diploma to frame,
Or cap to throw, or friends to hug, or pictures to take,
You’ve already received your diploma in everlasting life,
And are surrounded by total, unconditional love and understanding.
We will just have to imagine the celebration we will have,
When we join you some day in our Heavenly Home.

But on this graduation day, my angel, let us feel your presence.
I miss you and my selfish desires to have you here with me are still so painful.
I love you my Angel Graduate. I love you my dear sweet Austin.
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Granduation / Lisa Hay (Grandmama)
Well the class of 2007 graduates in two days.  I was looking at the picture of you and Chris the day you started Cool Springs.  You were both so small.  Your backpacks were bigger than either one of you and your shorts hung down way below your knees.  Both of you had a grin from ear to ear.  That seems just like yesterday.  We have pictures of the two of you and then the three of you on the first day of school.  Then there are pictures of the four of you.  I always saw the school pictures ending with you and Chris at your high school graduation.  

This week we owe it to Chris to be happy for this milestone he has achieved and we will be happy for him.  At the same time we will be sad because Austin is not there walking across the stage.  While our hearts are full of gladness that you are with the Lord our hearts are selfish and wish to see you here.  

A lot of people will be thinking of you this week.  You are still with us every second of every day.  We miss you and long for the day we graduate to the same wonderful place you are.  Know my precious baby boy your grandmother is thinking of you and remembering all the special first days you had.  Reach down and let us feel your presents.  We send you our love and know we have yours.  Happy graduation Austin. Close

I'm sorry can't be perfect...  / Danielle Lewis

I went to New York for the last part of spring break... and I was good... I was fine... ya know... I've been better lately... I don't really cry at all anymore when I'm around other people... I know its a terrible thing... but for me it has been best to just try and be numb to it as much as I can... and even when I'm alone I've been better... less panic attacks and unstopable crying spells... but then, the one night we had dinner in the Hard Rock Cafe... and everything was fine... except for the fact that me and Jessie had kinda been left out, but that's usual... so after dinner, everyone was downstairs "shopping" and me and Jessie were watching the TV screens of Hard Rocks around the world... and then it came on... the one song, that no matter what I'm doing absolutely breaks me apart... I normally just skip it or turn the TV or radio if it comes on... but there was nothing I could do... and at first I was ok... so i walked to the front of the store where mom and everyone else was... and I lost it... completely... and so did mom... right in the middle of Hard Rock... hysterical crying... all I could think about was the night... and you asking me if I had ever heard that song before and you told me that's exactly how you felt... and that you thought you'd never be good enough for me... but you were... you were PERFECT for me... it just took me too fucking long to figure it out!!! I'm soo sorry about everything... and I know I told you time and time again... but it doesn't matter... and I could have never said it enough... for that night or for any of the nights after... I miss you soo much... some how, with each day... I grow more open, yet more closed up and cold all at the same time... I need you're reasurrence... I need to here you say "its ok to be you"... "you're perfect"... but I won't... ever again... no matter what I do... nothing can bring you back... "cause we lost it all... nothing lasts forever..." 

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Everytime..... / Mama
Everytime I see Lucy (the cat), I remember you.  You would walk around with her on your shoulder and she was so spoiled to you feeding her out of the fridge.   Your brothers, especially Chris has taken on that for you.

Everytime I do laundry, I remember you.   Almost every load that I fold I come across some of your clothes that either Matt, Cody or me have worn.

Everytime I go to the grocery store, I remember you.   I can't go down the cereal isle without pausing to think of you when I pass the frosted mini wheats.  

Everytime I go upstairs, I remember you.   Your room is almost the same.   The only change is we also use it as the AJB Memorial Foundation room.  

Everytime I hear one of your favorite bands, I remember you.    

Everytime I see a guitar or drums, I remember you.

Everytime I lay down at night and awake in the morning, I remember you.  

I love you!


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It feels like just yesterday...  / Danielle Lewis
That it was the first day of the ninth grade and I hadn't seen you in two years... and you had forgotten who I was... but you sat next to me on the bus... and then somehow you ended up with my phone number... I will never forget... it was a friday... and you were going to you're dad's for the weekend... but that night we talked on the phone for hours anyways... about everything in the world... from the things you beleived in to how you wanted to be a rockstar and how Travis Barker was your hero and you too dreamed of playing drums for millions of people naked! :)

And even though, like playing the drums, didn't last forever... that was just our first shot... even though, at the time I thought I had ruined everything forever... but then, again I will never forget, the day you called me... I believe it was sometime in May of our tenth grade year... and you had called to ask me about getting my tongue pierced... because you wanted to do your own... luckily I talked you out of that and into another try at "us"...

The summer of 2005 was truely, and will forever remain, the best summer of my life... we were together almost every hour of every day... and when we weren't we were on the phone trying to figure out how to get together... remember we even worked together for awhile... that was a bad idea looking back :(

I will never forget all the things we did... even if it was something as simple as just lying around watching movies... or as exciting as me TRYING to ride dirt bikes with you up in Pennsylvania... or me watching you do crazy shit on the wakeboard... I'm still not sure how in the hell you managed to do a backflip without a tower... aww... and remember the time we went camping... you were a bit of a whiny baby... but I STILL love you!

I can't go back to Pennsylvania... I haven't been since the time we went that summer... the memories from the time before that don't help either... its just not the same without you... I'm not going back... ever... because whose nails am I going to manicure?! And who is going to play tag and hide-n-seek with me and my little cousin?! And who is going to stay up late watching scary movies with me and then hold me through the night?! And who else could make 2 hours in an old car museum with my grandmother the time of my life?! And who would pick blueberries with me?! And who would laugh at me when I wreck on the dirt bike?! And who would watch fireworks with me?! 

A lot has changed over the past year... I'm not really friends with many of the people I used to be... especially not the people that were you're friends too... I don't know... people just change I guess... and well... you know how we used to be different and not care about what other people thought... well... the more I get like that, the more people hate me... but it doesn't matter.  I got into college... NC State, Chapel Hill, and The University of Florida!  That's where I want to go... UF... I think you'd like it... its beautiful and their colors are blue and ORANGE!!!  At one point I had thought about doing something with pyschology, like you wanted, but its way to depressing learning about the disorders that I personally, most likely have.  Its gotten really hard... I mean, there have been a lot of ups and downs... but lately I haven't had anyone to really talk to... you know... like how we used to talk... I used to write you letters... but it got too hard... and as terrible as it is, and please don't be mad at me for it, I try mostly to just pretend that we just aren't friends anymore and that you just went away... ya know... not like you're gone forever...

I still feel like its my fault... ya know... the accident and everything... and its kind of ironic... I mean... everything that I threw away because I was scared and wasn't ready for that... is everything I want now... how could my timing have been SO incredibly bad... now, and for the past year I have been ready to grow up and be serious like you wanted... I'd give anything for you to still be here with me... and I finally have the answer to the question you asked me soo long ago... "I'd take you with me, to college, that's how we would make it work..." ...but I guess it is too late for that now...

The worst times are times like this... when all I can think about is you... and us... and what we had... and what we could have been... sometimes I really worry... ya know how everybody has that one "true love"... what if you were mine... what if my fifth grade crush on you was more than just a fifth grade crush... what if you were right... and we really were supposed to be together... it is bad enough that no one will ever be able to compare to you and the way you made me feel... but, what if it is more than that... and the reason for that is because you were my one... I don't know... I guess there is really no point and thinking like that... but I find myself doing it... far too often...

I don't really have anyone there for more anymore that was friends with you too... me and your friends have all grown apart... and well... I haven't talked to anyone in your family in months... if not a year... somewhere along the line I just got pushed out of the picture... and didn't have it in me to fight to stay in... I had nothing to prove to anyone... I knew you... and I know what happened with us... and that is all that matters... I was never really keen on the whole "let's compete to see who loved Austin more" game... maybe that's why I got pushed away... maybe I didn't show I cared enough... I don't know... I guess its too late to be thinking about that now too...

I'm not really sure of much anymore... and as the days go by... I continue to slip away, a little further with every month or so... every once in awhile, when I let myself think of you, I find myself still trying to wake up from a bad dream... but it hasn't happened yet... and I fear it never will...

I miss you soo much darling... like I said before it seems like just yesterday when you were here and we were together... when I close my eyes just right I can still feel your arms aroung me and I can smell your cologne... and feel your beautiful red hair against my face... you gave me so many memories... most of which will never be replaced... hopefully we were both wrong... and one day I will get to see you again... I love you SO much!!!  You are, truely, forever in my heart!!!  <3 Close

A memory.  / Kayla Campbell (Cousin)
I just wanted to post a memory that I have with Austin. 

The whole family went to the Outer Banks one year and I remember how you slept in soooo late, so one day I found a frog and I put it your bed. It was hilarious. You actually got up that time. Haha. We even have pictures of it. I've been thinking about that. And I can't look at a frog without thinking of you. I LOVE YOU! And I will never forget it! Close

so sorry  / Charlane Zigmond
I TOO KNOW THE PAIN OF LOOSING YOUR SON. I AM SO SORRY FOR THE LOSS OF YOUR ANGEL. BUT I DO KNOW HE IS SAFE IN THE ARMS OF JESUS. I LOSS MY SHAWN HIS SENIOR YR. HE WAS KILLED IN A CAR WRECK ON HIS WAY HOME FROM A TRACK MEET. HE DID HAVE A SEAT BELT ON, BUT IT DIDN'T MATTER, I KNOW THAT OUR BOYS HAVE FOUND EACH OTHER JUST LIKE WE HAVE FOUND EACH OTHER. I WILL KEEP YOU IN MY PRAYERS HUGS TO YOU AND FAMILY. CHARLANE MOM TO ANGEL SHAWN THOMASON
HTTP://SHAWN-THOMASON.MEMORY-OF.COM
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1 Year Ago Today....  / Natalie Adkins (angel mom )
Dear Austin,
One year ago you went home to be with Jesus.  We know you are having a blast but here, it still hurts so much.  Your mom misses you every minute of the day and is carrying on your memory by helping others.  She must be a great mom to think of others when her heart is broke.  I pray that your mom feels your hugs today, I know she can still hear your sweet voice, and I pray that Jesus will remind your mom that one day, your family will all be together again.  And....please try to keep Malorie in line up there!!

God Bless,

natalie Close

so sorry  / Esther From The Netherlands (memory of visitor )
dear angie and family...

I'm so very sorry for your great loss...

don't know what to say...

wish you the strength and courage to stand trough this storm in your lifes...

hugs... Close

My letter to Austin (was read at his funeral)  / Angie (Mama)
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A note to my baby boy  / Angie (Mama)

Austin -  I miss you.   I wish you were here with us to celebrate your birthday.   I can't believe you would be seventeen - as it is you will be forever 16.   I've thought alot about what you would have done this past year if you were still alive.   I wonder how you might have changed, if you and Danny would still be dating, what instrument you would be playing and how good you would be on your acoustic guitar, would you have finished your jr. year or have your GED, what friends you would have, if you would have your license,  how tall you would be, if you would still call q-tips "ear picks", or a mouth ulcer a "mouth oyster" or come up behind me and squeeze my neck and try to scare me.   I wonder all the time what you would be like today.   

I know you haven't once looked back and to you it's only been a nano-second that you've been in your Heavenly Home.   But for those of us left behind, it's been an long, tough year.   I praise God that you were saved and I have the blessed assurance that you are in Heaven and I WILL see you again one day.   

I love you!  That's all for now. 

P.S.  I've heard alot of the kids are planning a birthday party for you.   I wish I could be there to hear all their Austin stories, but you know that would be a drag to have "mama" there.   Your friends miss you so much.   There are a couple of them that have tatoos in your memory and some others that as soon as they turn 18 say they will be getting one.  

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